Artificial Sweeteners could be the new Botox

ATTENTION: ALL HOUSEWIVES OF L.A. AND O.C.!!!!!!

NO THIS IS NOT A CASTING CALL...
(I don't work in television anymore, Remember?)

Put down the Botox and exit the clinic! I may have just discovered the cure to premature aging!!!! My apologies go out to all of those poor children suffering from Progeria, as this is only a remedy for the most shallow and superficial, not for those who are truly ill and suffering.

Did you know that aspartame could turn into formaldehyde when exposed to extreme heat? When I first heard this I was terribly concerned due to the fact that I consume obscene amounts of diet soda and sugarless gum on a daily basis. I started to think about the gum that I keep in the console of my Prius at all times and I then I started to think about how my insides were probably as pickled as that fetal pig my high school anatomy teacher had sitting on his desk year after year. Then I realized that this might not actually be a problem, but rather, an AMAZING discovery. If simply consuming overheated aspartame can preserve our insides, why can't we use it to preserve our outsides as well. Perhaps a soothing shower gel or exfoliating scrub with green tea and formaldehyde? Or a facial mask made up of your favorite flavor of Orbit Gum?

Americans spend millions of dollars on their beauty regimens every year, and advertising companies spend billions trying to convince Americans that they are nothing without their youth and beauty. One of the things health experts and dieticians all seem to agree on is that artificial sweeteners are bad for you. Almost every fad diet out there is trying to steer Americans from the one thing that just might actually be able to help them maintain their youthful appearance. I am beginning to believe that there may be a bit of a conspiracy here... If this kind of propaganda is able to keep us all from discovering the "Fountain of Youth" that is aspartame, then the demand for beauty products and their multi-million dollar advertising campaigns will continue to flourish and infiltrate our society. Americans will continue to spend millions searching for a remedy that has been sitting right under our noses this whole entire time.

In the mean time I am considering an early retirement and moving to Palm Springs with all of the other mummies. See, I am actually 85 years old, but all that gum chewing and Diet Coke drinking has helped preserve my body in its current 26-year-old state. I should probably warn you, however, that there needs to be a study conducted to test the possibility of brain damage from prolonged exposure to these chemicals. I may be 85 and look 26, but I actually have the mental capacity, capability, and maturity of a 13 year old.